Mourning the Death of a Friend.

A few years back my best friend and I were at our favourite lounge in Yellowknife talking to our waitress about smoking . . . remember this was a few years ago, when you could actually smoke in bars. Our waitress had just quit smoking a few weeks prior and was telling us how it felt like she had lost her best friend; her little 4inch friend that was always there for her when he was needed, always ready to help relieve her stresses.

Cut to a few years prior to this, when my C.A.L.M. (Career and Life Management) teacher in High School broke down in tears on the second day of her quit, after smoking for thirty years. The topic had come up and she ended up having to leave the room because she could not contain herself. The next day she apologized saying how she had no idea what happened, just that since she quit she's had no control of her emotions.

I mean, c'mon! Honestly, these women need to calm the hell down and get a reality check! Your Best friend? Involuntary emotions? Are you crazy? It's just a harmless little bit of tobacco. And besides, I'm young, I can quit anytime I want to. I'm not 'addicted' to smoking, I just like doing it and I can quit anytime I want to . . . without the craziness that you are all talking about.

So that was me about 9 years ago, around the time I first decided to quit smoking. I know I can quit, I've done it about 20 or 30 times. I've been quitting since about a year and a half after I first started. I now realize how difficult it really is.

I've not had a cigarette in 19 days and last night it all came to a head. I lost it. I've been getting progressively more and more anxious. I've been super irritated at work. I've been getting annoyed with friends. And I've now got all these conspiracy theories as to how all my friends are against me.

I've never realized it before, but suddenly I realize that The Boyfriend never really loved me and wants out. I realize that my friends never really liked me and purposely do not invite me out for their fun. I realize that I've suddenly lost all semblance of talent and my clients won't be returning; actually, the only reason they come in is to see who else they will book with next time they're in the salon. My landlords are planning something, I just know it. Everyone is against me. And of course, I'm completely rational in my thinking. Its not me that’s crazy or off-balance, no. It must be everyone else on the entire planet.

There's been a few times when I've been at home alone (oh yeah, The Philanthropist and I have decided that all of January there would be no alcohol and no eating out. It's fun to take on a lot all at once) and these ideas just stew and stew. Now I realize what Mrs. Code and Lone were talking about. There's absolutely no reason for these feelings, but it does feel like you've lost your best friend.

So I must apologize to everyone. I don't mean to be as crazy as I am, and I really hope that my neurosis will go away soon, but you'll have to bear with me. Everything is magnified right now and I'm a little off my head. I hope to come back to earth soon; I miss normalcy.