Welcome to San Fran... uh, I mean Calgary.

Note: This was written last Wednesday, but couldn't post it until today.
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Here I am, on an Air Canada Jazz flight from Calgary to Yellowknife, and I still can’t get over lunch. I’m not talking about indigestion here (although I’m not sure a Chili’s Bacon Burger was a wise choice in the middle of a day of flying).

No, I’m talking about how GAY Calgary can be. And the funny thing is; I’m not even sure that Calgary knows it. I should note that my entire argument revolves around the music; not the beauty of the city… or the hair… or the clothing (sweet God- not the clothing!).

I was sitting in ‘Chili’s Texas Style Grill’, trying to waste time on my 2 hour layover. After ordering my burger and sipping my Coke, I discovered myself doing something that I never thought I would do in Calgary, Alberta… I was singing along to the radio.

“Ooooo Baby, do you know what that’s worth? Oooo Heaven is a place on earth.” Oh my. Did anyone hear me, or was I just singing into my head. My first thought was that I couldn’t believe how old the music was. How out of date is this radio station, that they are playing Belinda Carlisle’s hit from 198?, during a prime listening time.

Then the next song came over the system.
Bette Middler- Wind Beneath my Wings. Then….
Irene Cara- What A Feeling (Flashdance Theme). Then…
Cyndi Lauper- Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. Then…
Depeche Mode- Tainted Love. Then…
Kylie Minogue- Locomotion. Then…
B-52s- Love Shack. Then, Finally…
The Clash- Should I Stay, or Should I go. Which had to be the song most closely related to heterosexuality, but I must admit, a song I like singing and dancing along to every time I hear it in a bar.

I sat, contemplating my surroundings, my completed lunch, my looming boarding time, and the songs lyrics and thought, “Should I stay, or should I go.” I figured I had just enough time for a cigarette (Shut up) before getting on my plane so I decided I should go, not stay.

As I’m getting on my jackets (I’m heading to Yellowknife, I need two) the final song that I would be treated to got underway…

“Papa, I know you’re going to be upset, ‘cause I was always your little girl”…because, what gay playlist would be complete without a mid-eighty’s hit from our own iconic Material Girl.

It felt like I was at a Drag Show. It was far too kitsch to be unintentional. Far too campy to be accidental. Every song bled into each other with a perfect fluidity. Then I think… I’m in Bloody Calgary! Alberta!

Canada’s Bible-belt. Red Neck County. Belt buckles to rival wrestling champions and 10 Gallon Hats. More pick-up trucks than people. Toronto has Blue Bins everywhere, Calgary has White Trash. What’s with the Fag Discotheque music?

Who knows? An hour and a half into my flight, I still can’t figure it out. My closest guess is that the gay mafia has secretly taken over the radio waves in an attempt to brainwash the Conservative Right into fighting for our rights too. Some big joke we’re playing on Stephen Harper, Stockwell Day, and Ralph Klein.

Watch out boys. If you’re not careful, you might end up in fishnet stockings at a Rocky Horror Picture Show screening, throwing toast at the screen and yelling “SAY IT!”

*****SPECIAL NOTE***** To all my friends in Calgary and the rest of Alberta. I take a little creative license here. I really exercised extremes in this post, but trust that I really don’t feel that poorly against Calgary. It is a pretty city and not everyone is White Trash. I mean, we’re not talking about Red Deer here.