Happy Friend-iversary, Cell Phone Boy.

1:1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

1:2 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

1:3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was Cell Phone Boy.

Without trying to sound too hokey, I just wanted to tell the story about meeting the (in)famous Cell Phone Boy. A meeting that took place 2 years ago today.

Having just moved to Toronto weeks earlier, I found myself in Bell World waiting to get served from one of the energetic, enthusiastic, informed and non-pushy sales experts that one comes to expect from Retail Outlets. Instead, I got Cell Phone Boy. This lack luster, couldn’t-care-less employee that only wanted to serve me because I was wearing (what he refers to as) my ‘Cock Pants’.

“I need a cell phone.”
“See one you like?”
“Well, this is what I need. I travel. I like outside display. I don’t need games. I don’t need a camera. The backlight needs to match the keypad light.”
“Well, here are some. Really, it doesn’t matter to me. You pick.”

For the first time ever, I was being served by a commissioned sales person that was not trying to push me into buying all the bells and whistles that go along with cell phone technology. We spent more time talking about the fact that we both had just moved to the city, than we did talking about mobility. We discovered that I was a hairstylist and he needed a new hairstylist. He had just moved from Alberta. I had just moved from Yellowknife. In just over an hour I was all hooked up to the Bell Network and he had my business card.

Two days later, he was in my chair getting my haircut and I told him of my (now defunct) website. The website that he got my email address from and emailed to see if I wanted to hang out. And so it begins….

Within weeks we were known to our friends as RandyLance, due to the fact that we did EVERYTHING together. If I went to a movie, he was there. If he was at cocktails, I was there. We could call each other and say, “Oh, we have plans with Suzy B. tonight.” Or “We’re going to see ___________ movie on Saturday with Rae.” We knew each others social schedule, because they were one and the same.

The past two years have been filled to overflowing with Madonna. Beth Orton. Sarah Brightman. Liza Minnelli. Tori Amos. Margaret Cho. Tracy Turnblad. Elpheba and Galinda. Alexander Keiths. Line Dancing. Drag Queens. Line dancing drag queens. Mormon costumes. Three turkeys & a chicken. Dinners out. Dinners in. Thousands of tears and millions of laughs. Roller skating. Lap dances. Break-ups. Make-ups. And one hell of a mullet.

No offence to anyone else, but I’ve never known anyone who has been able to make me laugh more. Nobody that I’ve trusted more. He’s my number 1 and I wouldn’t give him up for the world.

Happy Second Friend-iversary, Cell Phone Boy. Looking forward to several more.

NOT What It Sounds Like! Read To The End Before Getting Nervous.

It Was Bound To Happen Sooner Or Later.

There’s been something I’ve been wanting (needing) to do lately, and this was the morning, like it or not. It has been too long, and I needed some serious physical contact.

So I woke early and showered. I really made sure that all areas of my body were clean and dry. No cheek left unturned. My hair was perfect. I had sexy 5 o’clock shadow that I kept. I’m just tanned enough to look ethnic and mysterious without looking like leather. Cute underpants. Cute jeans. Subtle, yet sexy top. Check. Check. Check. Off I go.

I rollerbladed over to Church Street, where I found my destination; a small, secluded door on street level of a brick building. I double checked the discreet signage, took a deep breath and walked in. Rollerblades off, I made my way upstairs.

I sat for what seemed like hours, but was more like 6 minutes, contemplating the large jar of condoms just sitting there, looking at everyone else. Some sitting, some chatting like old friends, some wandering aimlessly. And me, all alone staring everywhere, trying not to look nervous. But how could I not? It has been too long. I’m not even sure if I know what to do.

Then I saw him.

A hot gay man, late 30’s, dishevelled hair, five o’clock shadow to match my own. A chest so broad I could play a game of dominoes on it. And a bum so tight he was bouncing off the walls. He looked over at me and stopped. No words, just a quick wave of the hand to let me know I could follow. I should follow. I would follow.

He led me into a room. Average sized room, small bed in one corner, a table for my belongings in another. And a chair for him to claim, as he ordered me onto the bed. He wanted to check me out before we got started, “Head to toe”. Then he told me to undress, but only to underpants; “Leave them on… for now”. Dirty.

He started with the face. Gentle touches with his big strong hands. The grace of a professional as he slowly touched my scalp, neck and shoulders. Slowly moving down, I leaned forward so he could rub his moisturized hands over my smooth back. Moving to the front, feeling my newly developed chest and ab muscles. “I can feel your heart beating.” He was so gentle, it was the stuff fantasies are made of. Constantly reminding me to “Relax” and “Take deep breaths”.

I knew the time was close when he asked me to, finally, lie down. Soft hands now move to my legs, and I resisted the temptation to laugh out loud. Then the inevitable happened. “Now, I want you to pull down your underpants.” I though he was being polite by turning around, but it turns out he was just getting protection on. Safety first. His newly latexed hand knowingly moved around my man bits. Gentle, yet firm. Just enough pressure as to not make me uncomfortable, but still letting me know he was in charge. I though it was strange that he asked if I wanted him to explore my “backside”. I figured he would just do whatever he wanted, but I’m glad he asked. Very polite. Equally polite, I responded, “No, Thank you.”

It didn’t last as long as I imagined. I think I was in and out of the room in around 25 minutes. Honestly, I would have been embarrassed under other circumstances, but not today. I got what I needed. He got what he needed. It was perfect. Little chit-chat, just got right down to what we both knew we were there for.

All in all, a good start to the day. I mean, how can your day go wrong when your annual medical check up goes smoothly, and your doctor gives you a clean bill of health?

I Am Jan!

Brainy and a little introverted, you tend to think life is a lot worse than it actually is. And while you may think you're a little goofy looking, most people consider you to be a major babe.

What Brady Are You?

No One Is Ever Too Rich To Throw Away A Friend!

Just wanted to make notice that I have just, again, updated my links. You will notice the most recent addition of:

- Mom & Dad #2. Old friends from yesteryear. I lived with them for a while, and referred to them as ‘Mom & Dad”, a nickname that has stuck to this day. They live in St. Albert, Alberta… also the birthplace of Cell Phone Boy.

- Yatabazah. This is the blog of one of the Dollie Guys I talked about in my last post. I also added their Dollie Website to my links list. (A Hitchcock fan! Man after my own heart!)

- Yer Mom, and Other News. This is my friend, Keet’s, blog. He’s the one I just reunited with after a seven year separation.

So, please, support the blogging industry. Click away and see if you like their stuff.

(Picture from Yatabazah’s blog. Not that I had permission for it. Maybe he will post a comment giving me permission to use it. Who knows? Otherwise, I’ll be in court in a few months. Only time will tell. I hope he knows that you can't get blood from a stone... or money from a guy that's broke.)

Dollie Weirdness

Several weeks back, I got an email from Christini Martini:

“oh my god check out these websites. These 2 gay hotties living in Greece who play with dolls and customize their hair and put them in their underpants...

Very bizarre even for me. Might be good blog material for you though.”

Intrigued, I checked out The Website, and she was right. Very Bizarre. Very good blog material. I needed the past month to digest this info, try to figure out what I was looking at and let it all sink in.

So these two grown men… play with dolls… collect them… do their hair… make videos… even a Dollie Blog! All sorts of Dollie Weirdness.

Unfortunately, Blogger only allows me to put up 5 pictures per post, so I couldn’t show you all I wanted too. There’s more porn. More strangeness. More ethnic. Loads of underpants!
Click here for more photos.

They have Dollie Strangeness!

They Have Dollie Porn!


They Have Ethnic Dollies!

Well, I suppose everyone needs a hobby.

Xanadu! Xana-Don't! Xana-Never Should Have!

So, Cell Phone Boy came over tonight. And continuing with the Roller-Camp theme of the weekend, he brought over XANADU! Neither of us had actually seen it before, just referenced it repeatedly. And let me tell you…

If you’ve never seen it before, go rent it now. For, if you don’t, you will never know how bad it is. You will never really understand how much I am not exaggerating when I say that this movie epitomizes everything that is early eighties rock musicals. And not necessarily in a good way.

Cheesy Special effects.
Obscure musical numbers.

Odd Animated 'Fish' sequence?
Grasping at straws for some sort of plot line.
Bad segways. (Really REALLY bad!)
All around... Good Times!

So, here are the basics: Olivia Neutron-Bomb plays Kira, a muse, daughter of Zeus, one of eight sisters. You know what it’s like. Well she… muses (?) Sonny (Michael Beck of nothing else fame) into opening a new bandstand / roller rink / rock hall. His partner, Danny (the amazing Gene Kelly – who apparently only did it because they were filming close to his home, so he could still spend time with his family) we discover, was also once… mused (?) by ONJ, back in 1945. And, well, that pretty much sums it up.

There are, essentially, no musical numbers in the first 30 minutes, but then the last 60 is ALL musical numbers. They're so bad, they're good. It has more camp than summer. It has more cult status than Kabbalah, Scientology and David Koresh combined.

Xanadu: Where magic stops and the time never ends.
Wait, I think I got that backwards.

Xanadu! Your Neon Lights Will Shine For You, Xanadu!

The love

The echoes of long ago

You needed the world to know

They are in Xanadu

A million lights are dancing

And there you are

A shooting star

An everlasting world

And you're here with me

Eternally

Xanadu, Xanadu

Taking his cue from Madonna (And what 25 year old Homosexual does not?) Cell Phone Boy wanted to celebrate his birthday at a Roller Rink! Having never been on roller skates in my entire life, I was a bit sceptical at first, but I am so glad we did.

Things started out well. Cell Phone Boy, the Halfaneese and I were chauffeured by Suzy B, in her new car. Her new car that was equipped with a DVD player. Since there are children in her family, the only DVD selections we had were 5 Barbie movies, or Annie! So we decide on a sing-a-long road trip all the way to Scooters Roller Rink, in the heart of the O-Dot (Oakville). We Love You Miss Hannigan!

We arrived at Scooters in enough time to check the schedules of upcoming events: The Christian Gospel Skate; The Teens Little Peoples Skate; The Adult Morning Skate (Who has nothing better to do on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 10am-12pm?) Almost all events feature DJ’s Dave and Stretch spinning. We were lucky enough to arrive on ‘Adult Night- Old School!”

We danced and skated and roller rocked to the tunes of Sly and the Family Stone; Devastatin’ Dave; Diana Ross; All the classics. Upside down and inside out... the night rocked!

In all its campy-ness, I was expecting the night to be full of people like us, a few friends who thought they would get together for a night of Madonna-Inspired Fun. But, oh no! Almost all others were there in all seriousness. There was the 75 year old white guy with a Kenny Rodgers beard. The 50-something guy with grey dreads all the way down to his ass (Think George Clinton). The Ruff & Tuff Brutha’s with their Jerry Curled hair, their black cut off shirts tucked tightly into their tight black denim, bordered with a studded belt, a Mr. T starter kit of bling adorning their necks, at the pool table… IN THEIR SKATES!!!! I could barely stay upright on the damn things, and these guys were billiard-ing in them. Billiard-ing even! WOW!

Poor Cell Phone Boy has the distinction of being the only one who fell. And fall he did… right on his ass… several times. Everyone took their turn, most of us opting for the traditional “Skate”, but some going with the modern “Blade”. Unsure, I brought my blades, but also rented skates. When I felt ‘the need for speed’, I bladed (something that I am quite proficient at). When I wanted to be camp, I strapped on and laced up my beautiful, tan, faux-suede 4 WHEELS OF DEATH!

A tough event to top, but the Halfaneese is going to give Cell Phone Boy a run for his money next weekend. We’re going to celebrate his birthday with some GLOW Bowling!

I heart summer!