Confessions of a Suburban Househusband: Pt. 2

I laughed along with them. I cried with them. I admired their strength and stories. I often wanted to be invited to a party and have the biggest gift have been from me and write in the card attached saying “Thank you for being a friend.”

And that was okay; that was accepted. But I never expected we would become addicts.

When a couple first moves in together, as The Boyfriend and I have recently done, it takes some time to settle in. You find your groove. The boxes are unpacked, the furniture is in place, and the pictures and art have been hung. Now we’ve settled into our weekly routines of: Monday night is this, Tuesday is this… etc. But there is one common thread as of late. One thing that ties each night to a close…

Almost every night for the past few weeks, The Boyfriend and I have poured a glass of wine (or Brandy, or Port, or Listerine- we're not fussy), put up our feet, grabbed a blanket and popped “The Golden Girls” Complete First Season DVD into the player.

Yes, dear readers, My name is Lance, and I am addicted to a campy mid- 80’s TV show.

Every night.

Without fail.

Just us, slutty Blanche, sarcastic Dorothy, simple Rose and dear straight-talking Sophia Petrillo.

Picture it... Toronto... 2006... Two grown men, in their pyjamas, watching The Golden Girls. Even worse (as if it could be) I have even caught myself, TWICE, watching an episode or two to myself. Oh, the shame of it all.

To all you single girls out there: Be Warned. This is what Suburbia holds for you. Mid-week roast dinners, apartment style laundry, and obsolete Television shows on DVD!

I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Mad TV - Wizard of Oz

You Psycho Glitter Bitch!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

The Halfaneese emailed this months ago, but it was taken off YouTube for a while. Just found it again. I laugh until I pee everytime I see it.

The Ellen DeGeneres Show - Ellen Meets a 20 Ft. Ananconda

More Of My Work...

Here are a few of my Boy Photos.

Alex was my main photographer in Yellowknife. Click here to go to his website.
I wish I had a before picture here… we had one model back out at the last minute, so we ran Alex to the salon and cleaned him up. He started off the day looking like Jesus… full beard, long wavy hair. We even ran into a mutual friend right afterwards and she introduced herself because she didn’t recognize him.

Loko was a riot. He started with stereotypical Straight-Asian-Male hair: Thick, poufy, hanging to his eyes, parted in the middle. I asked if I could really shave it up and if that would be okay at work (he’s a Japanese Tour Guide) and he said, “Fuck it. If they don’t like it, I’ll buy a wig. Fuck my boss! I wear a hat anyway. What is he thinking? It’s winter in Yellowknife. Fuck it. Go for it.”

Congratulations, Auntie Cell Phone Boy!

Baby Kayla,

It seems like only a few months ago you looked like this…

And, as of last week, you developed into…

I just though I’d let you know that you Uncle is so proud to be just that, and he is very excited to go meet you next month. You should also know that you are very lucky to have such a great Uncle. He is one in a million, and he’s yours.

Congrats Randy.
Congrats Dino & Brian.

Welcome Kayla.

My Little Body's slowly Breaking Down.

I’m falling apart! I’m not sure when it started, but it has started. Just look at me…

- I have developed some sort of rash thing on my neck. I think it is some sort of allergic reaction to my scarf, because it happened just after I put it on the other day and now my neck burns every time I put it on. Like really really BURNS!
- While I got may hair coloured today a bit of the colour dripped down my neck and has stained the rashy bits into some sort of pattern that The Boyfriend (through his laughter) described only as “Hounds-tooth like”. And I detest Hounds-tooth.
- I can’t bend or move or fully extend anything. Too much working out or something, but all my muscles are sore, and now I hurt in places I need three mirrors to see. I can remember even four years ago, I could work out, run, dance, climb trees and have no physical aftermath. Now… I’m a candidate for Ben-gay. (Ha… I said ‘Gay’).
- I can’t climb trees anymore. I was perfectly fine to mount and jump from trees last year on our annual fall hike, but last weekend the Great Scot, The Halfaneese and The Boyfriend had to help me out of a tree when I got scared and couldn’t get down. Plus, I still have bruises and scratches on my arm from the experience. AND I NEVER USED TO BRUISE!
- And now, all of a sudden, I have a canker sore. No idea where this little bitch comes from, but there it is.

If this is what 27 looks like, I don’t think I’m gonna like 30+ very much.

Steping Aside From My Usual Posts

So, almost on the same day, I received two of those survey/questionnaire thingies that people send out. Now (Secretly) I actually enjoy filling these out when I have time, but I know most people hate getting them and feeling obliged to return them (which is why they never ever come back in the same numbers that you've sent them out).

So... I figured I'd just post them here. This way, the sender can read my response, and anyone out there can fill it out, or not. And I can appease Fat Girl and her constant neediness for Lancey Posts.

I'll begin with the one she tagged me with....

1. One book that changed your life (hardest question first).The Way, by Michael Berg

2. One book you’ve read more than once. My Point… and I Do Have One, by Ellen Degeneres

3. One book that you’d want on a desert island. A photobook of all my friends & family.

4. One book that made you laugh. The Curious Incident of The Dog In The Nighttime, by Mark Haddon

5. One book that made you cry. The Laramie Project, a Play by Moises Kaufman

6. One book that you wish you had written. Act Now, Apologize Later, by Adam Werbach

7. One book you wish had never been written. I can’t answer this out loud because my answer would be too controversial. And I'm never one to stir the pot.

8. One book you are reading at the moment. Tess of the D’Ubervilles, by Thomas Hardy

9. One book that you’ve been meaning to read. Too Close For Comfort, by Maude Barlow

10. Tag five others that you’d like to do this meme. Everyone from the Book club (This will also tell me who still reads my blog and who has left me in the dust)... oh and Ann / Callooh; I'd be really interested to see what she puts. Maybe Lorne too. Suzanne (if you're still reading). Oh hell... everyone should just do it.

This one, I recieved from Allie, My best friend in Yellowknife:

FIRST NAME? Lance

WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Friend of Mom's (I think he was gay, too.All Lance's are, really)

WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? When Mom was here and started talking about Will'sand DNR's etc.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? No. That's why I blog... I can type everything.

IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Now, yes.

DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? A Blog... does that count?

DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Me? Never.

DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Last time I looked. Should I check again? Yep, still there.

WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? In a minute!

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? I feel obliged to say Fruit Loops, butI'm more of an Egg guy.

DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? If I had laces, I still wouldn't.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Getting stronger by the day. Or is thata metaphor for like some sort of inner beauty mumbo-jumbo? Either way...sure.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP!!!!

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Teeth, eyebrows,package.

WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOU? My past.

ANY BROTHERS OR SISTERS? 1 of each.

DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? I'd like it, but I know everyone is SOOOOO busy, I'll probably not get any back at all

WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Black dress pants and fuzzy blue Ikea Slippers.

THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Yummy yummy Thai food and a protein shake.

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The tapping on my keyboard and The Boyfriend snoring.
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE? Red? Like the skin of my forefathers? I don't know. What a stupid question!

FAVOURITE SMELLS? Cooking smells, and fresh cut grass.

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? The Boyfriend, when I asked him to pick me up.

DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Sure do.

FAVORITE DRINK? Coffee & Red wine... usually not at the same time. Usually.

FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? Syncronized Bowling.

HAIR COLOR? $65 and up. Highlights start at $120.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE FOOD? Anything homemade, but if I had to choose one, it would be Penne with a spicy chicken/tomato/herb sauce.

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Both. Depends on if I'm on my 'moontime' or not.

LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Now, Voyager (Old Bette Davis movie watched on my new DVD projector).

WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? I'm topless right now. Giggity giggity giggity.

SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer! Without a doubt.

HUGS OR KISSES? Kisses when I'm happy, hugs when I'm sad.

MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Fat Girl, because she is making me do the same thing.

LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Allie, becasue she sent this to me, so there would be no point in her sending it back again.

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? Tess of The d'Ubervilles by Thomas Hardy. It's for a book club... I'm not that cultured.

WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I work on a laptop, so I use the touchpad. If I had a mousepad, it would be a solid colour or Madonna, I imagine.

WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST ON TV LAST NIGHT? The Boyfriend made me watch Lost. I'd never seen it, but I could be interested in exploring it further. Beats reading Tess.

FAVORITE SOUNDS? The waves of Lake Ontario from our balcony, and children playing.

ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Tough call... The Beatles I guess. They had a few more meaningful songs.

DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? The only one I can claim out loud is my scalp massages.

WHEN WERE YOU BORN? On my birthday.

WHERE WERE YOU BORN? The General Hospital.

Welcome Back, Blogger!

Hello everyone... and welcome to my first post from my newly awakened computer.

Remember how I’ve not been posting all too regularly lately… well this was the main problem. I did the last nine posts from The Boyfriend’s computer and I really REALLY don’t like using other peoples computers.

a: My fingers are used to my own keypad, and so I end up with all sorts of spelling errors and that makes me feel stoopid.

b: I feel weird about saving pictures onto other peoples computers. So even in my few posts of late, they’ve all been pretty lack on the old photo department.

c: I’m always concerned that I’ll find something I don’t want to find when snooping through… uh… surfing on other peoples computers. Like that one time a friend was on his roommates’ computer and stumbled upon home-made porno of said roommate. What if I was looking online and realized that The Boyfriend had a thing for Belizean Transsexual Midget porn? It’s just no good. (No offence to any Belizean transsexual midgets who might be reading.)

But now… I’m back. After about 2 hours on the phone with my 2 different ISP’s, I am now hooked up to some serious high speed and a new email address (to any of you that actually know my email address, trust that you will be getting an email soon regarding the change… but the old one is still in effect).

And so... Fat Girl… you can just stop your bitching and whining and moaning. Sheesh… remember that time you took off for two weeks to the middle east?… Didn’t hear me complaining did ya?

Huh?

Huh?

Did ya?

Oh wait... we did.

The Phone Call: A Play In One Act.

Receptionist: Hey Lancey. There’s a call for you on line 1.

Me: Thanks for holding. Lance speaking.

Leigh: Hey Lance. How’s the hair business going?

Me: i have no idea who the hell this is. Oh you know… busy as usual. How are you?

Leigh: Good. Actually, I’m calling from Saskatchewan. My name is Leigh. I think I saw you on ‘Diva on a Dime’. Did you do hair on that show at once?

Me: More like 14 times, but yeah, that was me.

Leigh: WOW! Fourteen times. I only saw the show the one time, but you were great. Actually, that’s why I’m calling. I think you’d be great for my business!

Me: whatthefuck? Uh… how do you mean?

Leigh: Well, after I saw you on the show, I couldn’t stop thinking about how great you would be with us. I spent a few hours searching online and came up with this salon number. I was hoping I’d found the right one… and here you are.

Me: whatthefuck?

Leigh: See, my Auntie and cousin are in it, and they’re doing really well. Often bringing in $20 000 - $30 000 a month. It’s a really simple sales type business...

Me: oh shit… I smell pyramid scheme.

Leigh: ...And it’s not some pyramid scheme or anything, hahaha. It’s really easy… in fact, the beauty is that you don’t even have to do ANYTHING! Do you know of any friends or clients that would love to make extra cash? Becasue I would train you, and all you’d have to do is train two people the same way, and the money just comes rolling in. Doesn’t that sound exciting?

Me: yeah… as exciting as having my teeth pulled out by your cousin clement. Oh… well… yeah. That sounds really… interesting.

Leigh: And, coincidentally, there’s a huge conference happening in your area in two weeks...

Me: oh goodie.

Leigh: ...I’ll be there, and I was thinking I could bring you along…

Me: are tom cruise, john travolta and l. ron hubbard going to be there?

Leigh: …as my guest. I’d pay your way in and all that. I think you’d really like it. We have a lot of hairdressers working for us. Mostly, we sell cosmetics, but there is also some stationary and some other great and exciting products. Does that sound like something you would like to come to?

Me: not on your little hick life. Well, it sounds fun, but it would be next to impossible for me to get time off. You know, bosses and all that. I wouldn’t be able to go.

Leigh: Oh, I totally understand. That’s why it’s so great working for yourself. We even have doctors and lawyers that work for us because, well as you know, all the long hours that have to be put in for not very much money.

Me: now you’re singing my song sister. but i still ain’t listening. I hear ya!

Leigh: Yeah, it’s really great. They give you a white Mercedes and everything. And you really really do well. Not like Mary Kay and others.

Me: well, I must admit, I do fancy a pink convertible. Yeah, it’s just too bad I wouldn’t be able to make it. Shucks.

Leigh: Well, how about if I sent you some information and … Oooooo… maybe a sample of our great products?

Me: free shit? hell yeah, bring it on. Sure, any information you have would be great.

Leigh: Well, how about you just give me your home mailing address and I’ll get that all off to you right away.

Me: and have some crazy amway people calling me all the time. Oh heeeeeeeeell no. Well, how about I just give you the salon address. I just moved and don’t know my mailing address off the top of my head. This will be easier. I really don’t want to have the package lost in the mail. Got a pen?

Moral of this story: I need a couple of you guys to help me out. All you have to do is come over and have a little chat with me. I’m just going to train you all and you can see how easy it is to make E Z money!